.SOME THINGS I WANTED TO SAY.

THE DAY: October 22nd and 23rd, 2007
THE TIME: 9:33 AM. I am awake.
THE MUSIC: The Secrets In The Telling; Dashboard.
THE MOMENT: Blurby.

"They say that anger is just love disappointed."

--The Eagles.

Hi.
My name is Lyndsi Brown.
But I always ignore the Brown at the end because there is actually a Shae in the middle...
...which I like better.
Sometimes I theorize that that has something to do with resentment for my Father and the way his name directly affiliates me with him upon introduction.
I then quickly decide to leave the possibility of that truth floating in my subconscious.
This is because my newest energy has been intentionally devoted to forgiving my Father.
Last night I told God I was ready.
I also told him that I may not know for sure until I see my Dad again.
And so, I wait for Christmas.

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"I'll steal your honey like I stole your BIKE."

--LFO

Neal called.
He thought I was engaged.
Thank you Brian Fukumoto.

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"If dreams are like movies, then memories are films about ghosts."

--Counting Crows

I used to have three best friends. I was in love with one of them. The other two are still here.
He asked one for my address; he wants to send me a letter.
No matter what he says, he cannot have me anymore.
And by that I mean, he cannot alter my sleep patterns or occupy my pages.
There was a night, a summer dress, a backyard, and the two of us... I reclaimed myself from him.
This morning I thought of him without fear or apology.
You were a part of who I was, but there is no room for you in who I am.
I remain uninhibited by this distance between us. Every distance.
Spread over landscapes that recede behind me, descend beneath me: you are a handful of stories-- our commemorative ashes.
As you faded, I emerged.
Until further notice, I am my own, though I am not afraid
to belong to someone else.

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"Is there truth in your pain? You decide."

--DC

I am the happiest I have ever been. I know my Heavenly Father understands what I have endured. None of my new friends do, and I surprisingly do not feel distanced from them because of that. I know past struggles are mostly over, and that they can be entirely over very soon. I know this joy I've found is not coincidental. I know he sees me out here. He knows me. I am thankful. I am happy. I am myself, one hundred percent.
Relief.