THE DAY: April 26th, 2007.
THE TIME: Floating between time zones.
THE MUSIC: None. But the fake AC is buzzing.
WHAT I SHOULD BE DOING: Maybe sleeping, but I dont mind.
I'm flying home. Big Microsoft word nerd, typing away on my “seat-back tray.” School is over for four months. They sky is kinda tossing us around. I hate the word turbulence, it reeks of obstruction, as if we have some kind of right to fly smoothly up here. I don't think we really do; we don't belong here. I don't think birds experience turbulence. Mostly because I don't think they consider it anything of consequence, it's just part of their world, a space they were made for. We're above the clouds now though, and even though we're out of place up here in this metallic human machine, I think sometimes we need to see the sky from this perspective... just to wake us up a little.
I'm realizing that I brought 130 pounds of stuff home in two suitcases... and that to fit all of that in the doll house would deny the laws of physics. Speaking of, I recently realized my tendency to date engineering majors. Weird.
I miss home. I can't remember how it feels... which overloads me with a sense of guilt and exhaustion.
Ben and Ken, if you're reading this, I miss you guys right inside of this moment.
I'm trying to think of all the things I want to do when I get home.
On my way there, I will lose two hours. Is that allowed? How can time escape me so outwardly? Shouldn't I get two more hours at least? I shouldn't get anything really, because if I did I would probably spend it sleeping, a decision that would hold no honor or valor whatsoever.
I have slept 4 of the past 48 hours. I left Utah in a blur. Finals. Pack up. Clean. Move out. ... say goodbye. The hardest part was Ben and Ken. (hey again guys!) I was also realizing while we were driving away, that something is different. Usually I love the people I'm surrounded by, and not necessarily the place. I don't become rooted in geographical things. Not anymore. As much as I make fun of it, I've been swallowed up by the mountains and distant city lights of Provo. I had to convince my mind and memory to come with me back to North Carolina.
I dyed my hair before I came home. Kinda darker. This always comes with a slight sense that I am lying. Why do I do that? Am I trying to hide something? To appear more new than I am? Why am I not satisfied with myself in a fully natural state? Why do I think so much? I do this, grudgingly question things until they're all upside down and ejecting their insides... I had actually stopped for a while. I have yet to decide if this is a good habit or not, though I do know that it is me. And for that reason I love feeling it come back to me, especially now that the sun is back. I feel like I am finding myself on accident.
THE DAY: April 27th, 2007
THE TIME: 11: 15ish PM
THE MUSIC: Passing Afternoon By Iron & Wine.
WHAT I SHOULD BE DOING: Unpacking.
Today I was playing with Bradley. All day he kept saying I was his best friend in the whole wide world. It really calmed me down, if that makes sense. Something about playing with kids, they don't understand much, it has a way of silencing my urge to understand. He kept asking me where I had been, and if I wanted to go play at his house. It baffles me the way this 3 year old boy can ask me questions for which no explanation would suffice. How do I tell him about where I have been? How do I explain that my home is still here? I can't even explain those things to myself some days.
Later in my room the screen saver came up on my laptop. It's set to do a slide show of all my pictures. He got pretty excited and stopped playing to go plop down and watch it. He kept asking me who everyone was. Three pictures of me and Katie last summer came up right in a row and I missed her really deep down. Its so odd to be home when she isn't.
Then there was one of me and Zach. I didn't say anything. But he knew. He said
“Thats my best friend in the whole wide world! He used to sit up in the big chair at the pool and play with us.”
“He can't be your best friend in the whole wide world.”
“Because he's my best friend in the whole wide world.”
“Can he play with you AND me? Is he coming over... I want to see Zach tonight.
My silenced urge to understand, began to scream.
* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *
This place really is a flood of unspoken words. I'm so displaced by unsettled things and it makes me very anxious...like this town is one size fits all.
Come sister, my brother
Shake up your bones, shake up your feet
I'm saying open up And let the rain come pouring in
Wash out this tired notion
That the best is yet to come
But while you're dancing on the ground
Don't think of when you're gone
-- Pig. By Dave Matthews.