THE TIME: 10:22 PM
THE MUSIC: Slow Dancin in a Burnin Room; John Mayer
THE MOMENT: Beach.
THE DAY:JULY 15TH 2007
THE TIME:AROUND SEVEN
THE MUSIC:BLACKBIRD; SARAH MCLAUGHLAN(COVER)
THE MOMENT:MY BEST FRIEND.
Katie took me on another birthday surprise.
Theres pictures up on facebook.(Lame plug, but go look anyway.)
Heres a piece of what happened.
Eventually the directions stopped using road names and started using phrases like "take the gated trail on the left" or "the dam across the pond to the right." I knew a place that would fulfill us would have to include directions like that. We picked the trail. We were going up a small hill when I watched it opening up in my eyes. I ran. It was a field of sunflowers.
It was around 5 o clock, so the flowers were starting to face the ground, even in all of their numbers, all of their yellows, all of their new growth. It was fitting for that day though. In the morning, they would rise to face the sky. I knew it. We twirled. We jumped. We were free.
THE DAY: jULY 19tH 2OO7
THE TIME: 12:14 aM
THE MUSIC: I need a Boss; Shareefa
THE MOMENT: Bam.
Remember summer boy?
First of all, I want to say that he knew about my Zach past.
Time to have a small moment together.
Here's a direct quote from a recent conversation.
"Ever since I kissed you, things are different. I feel very replaceable, like I could be any other girl and you wouldn't notice. I can't really give you a specific example of why, but I feel like I may be just your summer makeout girl. Honestly, if you would have caught me a couple of months ago... I would have been fine with that. So if that's what you're looking for, I don't think that's offensive or unforgiveably sleezy. I get it. But, if that is what you want, I need you to be honest with me about it, and then find some other girl girl to be that for you. Because I won't be. Its not enough for me anymore."
R a i s e u p y a ' l l.
You’d pushed me off the precipice, but grabbed my hand just as I was falling away from you, struggling against your self-imposed weakness that kept you from pulling me to safety... yet you wouldn't let me fall away. I saw you above me. I saw the distance below, but not where it led. I’d averted my eyes to every crevice, every haze…I’d studied all that surrounded me. But I could not choose where my release was, until you released me. You were keeping me there for yourself. Yet you never did give your full self to me. You loved me. I know. We were a fire. The kind you can’t hide. We blackened skies. We emblazoned our surrounding air. I know you felt it. There was a glow. I was melted into you. Can you feel me in there? I am hot within you. For a while, don’t try to escape. I am words. I am pictures. I am letters and songs and I am love, the one and only kind. I was yours. I am memories I am slow pulses of your veins I am insomnia I am running footsteps in the night. I am the glowing light of your laptop playlist. I am the numbers on the clock by your bedside. I am the ghost in your sheets. I am the guitar chords whispering into your neck. I am the shaking of your skin. I am the chills in your toes. I am a standing ovation, I am a slow breeze. I am a screammmmmmmm. I am the sunset of your every day. I am yours, but never again entirely, only in whispers, in stale overdue attempts, in old age reverie, in summers later, in slow exhales of reliving. By the time you’re reading this, I will have released myself. And fallen. Strong enough to be ripped by the winds of torrential unsurety. I will be lashed by many more beginnings. But you will be an ending, my ending. Up there watching me recede into the blackness. And then, you’ll lose my sight, you’ll lose our sound, you’ll lose the scent, the feel, … you’ll lose me.
But I will be free.
In the first few hours of Friday, July 13th, I told him he was a never.
A searching night.
Cooler than most.
Running down a central road in my town, I thought I saw a firefly, and knew I had to find it. -I realize now that I mostly just hoped there was a way that fireflies could still mean the same thing to me as they did two summers ago.-
I tried to keep it in sight, noticing that its glow was un-naturally stationary and rhythmless. The shine belonged to something else. I reached its light and dug through the grass only to find the reflecting remnants of a small orange flag: “CAUTION: CABLE BURIED.” And I thought: “How ironic, I already knew.” Though I was very aware of all my electricity beneath the surface, I pushed forward with a recklessness, running in and out of streetlights against a pulsing weakness.
I turned down an unfamiliar road, goodbye songs blaring in my ears, sloping downhill and yet knowing I was progressing. I saw my sprinting shadow in the tall grass along side me and knew there was not one molecule inside me that was not absolutely fluid. Still, I could not escape myself.
Reaching a stretch of blanketing darkness, I let go of my legs, laying myself down on the concrete. Surging with my own currents, I knew there was no way to be raw enough, to peel away my skin and leave the rhythm of my muddy footprints. In that moment, trapped in my own flesh, bounded by vocabulary, consent, and measurable time… I could find no way to express my core desire for release except to
I have spent my summer, fumbling for sparks.