Monday, October 27, 2008


From Zach Bailey
October 16th, 2008
11:45 am
So I know this is out of no where, but do you think we can be friends again? As much as friends can be over facebook anyway? I had a dream about you the other night and I guess this is where it is coming from. If I have to remain in your past because of what I put you through it, then I understand, but honestly I might just wait another six months and ask you again.

From Lyndsi Shae
October 20th, 2008
3:29 pm
I want to know about your dream.

Why do you want to do this? Really. I need to know that too.

From Zach Bailey
October 20th, 2008
5:13 pm
You should know that its not the first time you have shown up. Every now and then you will be in them. And its been like that since forever, and at this point I just think you will probably occasionally come up in them for forever. You couldn't possibly be anymore removed from my life, and yet you are still a reoccurring dream, or thought, or feeling. Sometimes when you do just sneek up on me out of nowhere, and I have no idea who you are anymore, and I know that its definitely my fault, but here we are Junior year in College, and there are still nights when I wake up after you were in my dream, and I just lay there and think about that for a min. I just don't know what to think. And I hate that. And thats Why I want to do this. I used to know you so so well, and now I no nothing about you, and I'm not saying being "facebook" friends will give me any appreciation for who you really are now, because I know thats impossible, but at least its something.
And I thought about all that for a bit, and then I just decided I would ask you, and if you hated the sound of it, well then I tried, and I would probably try again eventually.

About the dream, and most of the dreams that you happen to come up in. Theres no mystery in it. I mean this was last week, but it was something like this. I was hanging out with all my friends here and out of nowhere you just walked by, I knew it was you, and you knew I was there, but thats all the acknowledgment we gave each other. It was like you were there and I was there, and we knew it, but we didn't know each other at all. Like one of those people that you met through someone else, once a long time ago, and when you see each other you say hey, but thats it. Except we didn't even say hi.

From Zach Bailey
October 25th, 2008
9:20 am
so thats it then huh

From Lyndsi Shae
October 27th, 2008 5:14 pm
I am full of love, full of yearning. There is life and youth exploding from me. Do you remember that? There was a time when all of that culminated into what I was willing to give you.
You had me. You held me down.

I’m still out here in Utah. I study what I love. I write out my days. I am a strong woman, stronger than your dreams. I am free from your influence. The value of this freedom fills me with gratitude. Because it was not easy to find—I struggled and prayed from Christmas to July for this separation from you.
I have let go of my love for you.
I have let go of my anger towards you.

I have let go of any lingeri
ng resentment, and all back-corner longings.
This is why I rarely think about you.
This is why, even in my subconscious sleeping hours, you are not there.

Zach, I labored for this.
I was yours.
And you didn’t fight for me.
Now we’re here, and you can’t come back.

I am happy today. I don’t want to change how we are.

I can think of no reason to give you this window into my life.

October 27th, 2008
5:17 pm
ok. If you ever have a change of heart, let me know. I know you worked to get away. I won't ask you again.

October 27th, 2008
5:50 pm

July 13th, 2007
June 30th, 2007

Friday, October 10, 2008

What you love, you must love now.

"There was that law of life, so cruel, and so just, that one must grow... or else pay more for remaining the same." --Norman Mailer

* * *

So its 3:44 in the mornin and I'm awake-- shocker. I'm wearin HUGE baggy pajamas and waitin to fall asleep on the couch. Breathing deep and placid, I feel my days pan out before me. There is peace everywhere.
I think of the sunrises I've seen.
--Courtney's roof: 10th grade. House sitting with Emily this summer. A million Provo all-nighters my freshman year. Waking up to Blythe, California in the passenger's seat.--

Always, there is a feeling of revival-- if there be any part of you that is still numb, grey, oppressed, indifferent-- it is waking.

Where a sunset would evoke longing, a sunrise conjures up contentment.
Tonight I realize, that I am grateful, alive, young, waking up over and over.

I am a strong woman, searching out my truth.

I am a weak daughter, with hopeful windows.

I am almost discovered.

Tuesday, October 7, 2008

remember that time when i kissed your roommate? both of them?

Boo. I feel like my blog is missing something these days.
Its 12:36 in the mornin and I don't wanna do my homework.
I have no sense of urgency.
I want to snuggle.


Thursday, October 2, 2008

Hairspray is for my sketchbook.

"I too am not a bit tamed, I too am untranslatable,
I sound my barbaric yaws over the roofs of the world."

Something weird is happening. And by something weird, I mean something that happens—well, every night of my life.
I sit in my living room, and I’m just wild. I’m restless. I want to drive fast, jump in a river, hear my own echo.

Why do I have this urge to search for more?
There is so much youth inside of me, and love, and sometimes-- I don't know where to send it all.