Monday, September 21, 2009

Fall together.

When I grow older, I promise to never have a job in accounting.

(No offense accountakids, I think ya’ll make great dads. Not because of the hours or the nature of your work, but because every time I meet a dad who is also an accountant, he is honorable, kinda goofy, and gentle.)

Regardless, I promise to never join you in the field of numbers and money.

Gross.

 

My Dad is an airplane mechanic, 

which I have ALWAYS thought is cool.

(I don’t think he knows that.)

Sometimes we would go to his work—it’s called The Hanger.

Does that make you think of closets? Me too—but it’s not about that. It's where the Dads open their toolboxes to show each other pictures of their daughters. It's where they fix the airplanes. 

The Hanger.

This is where my family would sit on top of the mini van

and watch the planes come in to land.

The sky was usually pink when we got there, dark purple when we left.

I would look at those planes and think of all the people in there,

The people and their unknown stories.

And I would think 
“My Dad helped that thing to fly.”

 

Today I am also thinking that I want to have tons of good movies when I’m a Mom—but none of those empty-and-kinda-raunchy ones. We will have only movies of substance! 

(My kids will get annoyed at their nerdy mother, always shouting "substance!" with one hand in the air, making them trade in their subpar DVD's for literature. They will gag.)

 

Thursday night I was in the car with my new friend Sarah Motley.

“Where do you see yourself in five years?” she said.

I can tell her things like this—like graduated but not an accountant or dumb-movie-owner.

But I cannot tell her much.

“I’ve been shown recently that I have no idea what’s happening around here. Nothing is turning out how I thought it would. So I’d rather be open and adaptable than make a solid plan,” I say.

 

I try to explain this to her. It’s hard.

Because here’s what my brain keeps saying.

It says DISENCHANTMENT.

This is a word we’re learning about in my Native American Literature class. I have a nifty blue handout full of what it feels like to experience this word.

Here’s a piece:

 

“The existence of the her belief, the nature of her destiny, the very shape of reality itself are all, in a flash, brought into radical question. The daughter can either accept the world as bereft of meaning… or find some deeper sense in the ceremonies and objects which had come to mean so much to her. The naive realism of her previous perspective has been exploded. Necessarily, she begins her religious life in a state of serious reflection and in quest of an understanding of the sacred profound enough to sustain her new life.”

 

It means my world gets turned on its face, 

and yes, it’s been doing that lately.

I do not understand the way my relationships are shifting. God still talks to me, but he doesn’t explain why these things are happening. I want to tell you about it.

 

But how can I explain this to you publicly 

without overstepping my bounds?

(Translation: How can I show you these people I have stories with, and the confusion of the plot-lines, without exposing their hearts unfairly?)


Zach. Jordan. Jared. Claire. Stoph. Emily. Brody. Corey. Lacey. Dad. Sabrina. 

This intersection of timelines splatters across past journal pages and I watch from the side as my understanding dwindles and my predictions humiliate themselves.


* Some of them are saying “I love you! Come back!”

I say... “I’m not sure why, but I can’t. I’m sorry.”

Or... “Really? Are you finally saying this? Because I don’t know what to say back anymore.”

Or... (speechless).

*Some I will never get answers from.

* Others are popping in and out of my life unexpectedly—planting their roots in the middle of my path. Sometimes I trip over them. Sometimes I have to watch my step for days and days, but sometimes I stop and see their tree coming forth. Trees I never thought could belong to my world. I would not permit my path to be smoother by digging them up and away.

*Some surprise me with their choice to be someone else for a while.

*Some are filling me with love and possibility where I assumed there would always be shadows and contention.

*Some: are just Gone.

 

And so I am disenchanted with my own predictions—a loss of faith in all things once hopefully deemed “Obvious. Natural. Coming Soon.”

 

I am by no means obliterated, only silent for a while—telling myself to relinquish control. And then, relinquish the idea that I have any knowledge of what is to come.

“But I am not that girl!” I say to myself.

“I am not the girl with the 5 year plan who refuses to deviate. I’ve always been okay not knowing the answers.”

“Oh please. You’re NOT the girl with the 5 year plan and the permanent mascara, but you ARE the girl who is thrown by all these twisting outcomes at once. It’s okay that you’re that girl, but you have to change your perspective now: You make choices. God makes outcomes.”

He is the only relationship I can predict as Obvious. Natural. Coming Soon.

 

With this on my mind, I walk into that Native American Literature class.

My professor speaks up. “I’m passing the role,” she says.

“Circle your initials if you’re prepared for discussion today.”

 

I look down at my blue handout,

“Disillusionment means ‘to be in the condition of being disenchanted.’”

So I reach for the clipboard.

“LSB.” I write.

Circled.

I have a lot to say today.

 

As my stories with these people take exits I could not see from the driver’s seat—I realize that I am not wholly driving this thing—that the map I’ve got across the dashboard is drawn by my own narrow predictions.

“That’s a nice map you’ve worked on,” God says to me.

“But in the past I’ve always navigated by my own omniscient vision, and I think we should stick with that.”

I tell him it’s okay, and slip out of his seat. I think I was cramping him a little bit.

See how he talks to me like he’s just my Dad?

The truth is: I am thankful, even desperate to believe in something beyond my human limitations—even if I have no idea where He’s going with all of this.

“Fine. But do I have to be an accountant?” I ask.

I think he said no, but he probably just laughed.

 

Here’s a piece of hope from the blue handout:

“The rites of disenchantment must end on the threshold of revelation, for it is only through the living of the religious way that the sacred becomes fully known.”

 

I’m willing to fully know the sacred, to let my hope get of the ground.

I see myself as a passenger in that ungraceful airplane,

The child in me looks up to see her future fly over.

My unkno`wn story is contained in 

an impossibly huge and bulky machine,

and I am comforted to know:

My Heavenly Father helps these things to fly.

12 comments:

Claire said...

I've thought of a lot of things to say about this: the number of times I smiled, how often I found myself nodding, the way i wanted to leave this office and come talk with you.

BUT the biggest thing I want to say is: I FEEL YOU. I get it.
And that is so cool to me.

Let's talk again soon. I cut us short last time.

maucotel said...

This is amazing Lyndsi Shae. Thanks for putting it up.

brooke said...

there's something that happens inside of me when i see that you have posted. i just get giddy knowing that i'm gonna come away from reading it feeling simultaneously like i understand life better and like i need to write a million journal pages to apply it to my own specific circumstances.

yeah, that just happened.

David's Holla Atchya! Blog said...

You have some tremendous threads throughout this text that tickled me (that was some gaudy T alliteration).
My favorite part was regarding the intersection of timelines; perhaps because 'intersect' is a math word, or perhaps because I can relate to that when I can't really relate to the Native American Literature. Thanks for intriguing, personal writing.
P.S. My brother is leaving for the MTC tomorrow, so I don't think a Stoph/Grant meet-up is going to happen. Thanks for thinking about him anyway.

David's Holla Atchya! Blog said...

I forgot to also ask, what template do you use for your blog? I love the big picture on the front page.

PleaseRememberMeFondly said...

Lyndsi (Shae) Brown,

You have had many names in my life. But, no matter what your name, YOU are my favorite book. I can read this for days, weeks, months, forevers.

Dang.

(P.s. It's okay that you don't know which turns are coming. None of us do. You have a blessing in that you know EXACTLY where you're coming from and where you stand. Beast the open road.)

Que Buen Chica! said...

Slip right on out of the seat but definitely do NOT let go of the wheel!

I love what you write - I love how it inspires me to be better.

You are right - God giggled when you asked if you had to be an accountant! He is not even worried about that happening - He did not put those parts inside of you. I mean - DONT GET ME WRONG - you can account your checkbook - and you have the COGNITIVE ability to be an accountant - just please DONT.

I love you everyday.

Anonymous said...

Thanks for sharing this link, but unfortunately it seems to be offline... Does anybody have a mirror or another source? Please reply to my post if you do!

I would appreciate if a staff member here at lyndsishaedaysanddays.blogspot.com could post it.

Thanks,
John

Anonymous said...

[b][url=http://www.cheapuggbootswebsite.com/]cheap ugg boots[/url][/b] You probably listen to quite often how critical it is actually to emphasize your accomplishments. Basically, it's critical to debate in action phrases whatever you concluded, not only whatever you were being accountable for. This shows you weren't just given a job, however , you acquired it completed.

[b][url=http://www.uggsclearancemall.co.uk/]uggs clearance[/url][/b] Should you have any fears about your private well being or even the overall health within your baby, you need to constantly consult having a medical doctor or another health care expert. Remember to review the Privateness Coverage and Terms of Use well before working with this web site. Your use of the positioning signifies your arrangement to get bound by the Terms of Use..

[b][url=http://www.louisvuittonhandbagsu.com/]www.louisvuittonhandbagsu.com[/url][/b] The makers of good quality knockoff purses just take individual care to replicate each individual nuance and twist of the first. These knockoffs arrive entire with similar markings, high-quality components and similar colours and models to suit the tastes with the most discerning buyers. As such, they can be an exquisite technique for putting on breathtaking purses devoid of having to pay an volume which will leave you gasping..

[b][url=http://www.uggsbootsoutletmall.co.uk/]ugg boots outlet[/url][/b] Along with this, you'll find equipment developed specifically for a certain distribution to manage these offers to generate absolutely sure that packages operate accurately proper absent. The newer the Linux distribution edition, the greater the components help. The sheer numbers of glitches you TMll get in the set up method decreases together with the newness on the version of Linux you choose..

[b][url=http://www.uggsonsalewebsite.co.uk/]uggs on alse[/url][/b] Treating any mind health issues as taboo also indicates that sufferers are less probably to speak about their inner thoughts and often sense alone. This will have lethal penalties, as you can imagine. I fully intend on composing as quite a few content articles and stories about my very own experiences as you possibly can, within the hope of achieving out to individuals who will benefit from figuring out my story..

Anonymous said...

AFC East1 which are not desired at allcomDell is one of several companies toying with the idea of acquiring Software developer[url=http://www.BoJacksonJersey.com]Bo Jackson Jersey[/url]
Quest Software[url=http://www.ArianFosterJerseys.net]www.ArianFosterJerseys.net[/url]
IncC is kept safe and sound Tomb II After her breakthrough[url=http://www.officialbearsjerseysstore.com]Tim Jennings Jersey[/url]
Zhao had been involved in a number of controversies about her personal and professional lives[url=http://www.BoJacksonJersey.com]www.BoJacksonJersey.com[/url]
for posing in a dress resembling a Japanese war flagS
ï»?Coaches caught cheating should be suspended without pay for the season[url=http://www.HowieLongJersey.com]Howie Long Authentic Jersey[/url]
or even firedHowever[url=http://www.JasonWittenJersey.com]Jason Witten Authentic Jersey[/url]
despite his undying hatred for the movie and his attempt to keep people from experiencing the agony for themselves[url=http://www.AntonioBrownJersey.net]Antonio Brown Authentic Jersey[/url]
Columbia Pictures released “Leonard Part 6″ on DVD back in 2005twitter-inner-ditto241627692091445248 div They are often violent and have a high tolerance for paindittoPost span aSuccessful stump removal techniquesOnce you've decide to remove an unwanted tree stump[url=http://www.TorreySmithJersey.net]Torrey Smith Authentic Jersey[/url]
the next thing is to figure out how it's to be done

Anonymous said...

top [url=http://www.c-online-casino.co.uk/]free casino bonus[/url] brake the latest [url=http://www.casinolasvegass.com/]online casinos[/url] unshackled no set aside hand-out at the best [url=http://www.baywatchcasino.com/]baywatchcasino
[/url].

Anonymous said...

[url=http://saclongchampa.exteen.com/]sac longchamp moins cher[/url] Hot water flowing down the neck and back is another highly effective natural solution. Just jump in the shower, turn the dial to hot (not scalding) and let gravity do the We Provide Women Mulberry Lizzie Leather Hobo Bag Black,In Our Mulberry Handbags Outlet Online Store. rest. One of the aromatherapy soaps pointed out before can also be used at this point.
[url=http://longchampsoldesa.overblog.com/]sac longchamps[/url] With the laws of what we understand to be physics completely tossed aside, Scott Pilgrim leaps full-bore into a strobelight fever dream: endless explosions and metacomments, which the characters treat as no more different than pigeons on the sidewalk. For sheer inspired lunacy, it has few equals, and Wright brings every trick in his substantial playbook to bear for the Highly Appreciated Mulberry Women's Bayswater Trimming Oxford & Leather Tote Bag Black sake of blowing our socks off. The results are nearly impossible to beat..
[url=http://longchampmoinse.blog4u.pl/]longchamp soldes[/url] Making a good impression is the first step. If you're doing so, you The latest and best Mulberry Outlet Medium Alexa Leather Satchel Blue Bag sale unique don't have to talk, dress or do the common things that all the Toms do to get a decent girl's attention. Be unique, that's all you need. In 1994, Gela Nash-Taylor (wife of Duran Duran's John Taylor) and Pamela Skaist-Levy, both residing in Pacoima, California, decided to create their own fashion label, Travis Jeans, selling maternity pants. In 1996 the girls changed the name to Juicy Couture, the aim was to create girly apparel and a label equal to that of other major labels, but to be more affordable to the general public (although this is no longer the case, as most of their apparel is priced at more than $100 USD). Their line, which they called "Juicy Couture," was to include a variety of athletic and casual wear, most notably the velour tracksuit that won Juicy Couture a great deal of popularity..