Saturday, September 12, 2009

A page I can show.

Today I am walking down the street with resolve.
I feel powerful. It's Nine AM and I've been up for 3 hours.
I set up the water coolers, hung posters. 
Cut bananas for the 5K runners.
No big deal. (SO much better than sleeping.)
I walk home in my free t-shirt, no outside motive except I BELIEVE in what this thing is about. 
"Voices of Courage."
5 K for abuse prevention.
People register to run and then attach inspirational quotes to their backs.
Here's mine:

Never be bullied into silence. Never allow yourself to be made a victim. Accept no one's definition of your life; define yourself. 
Harvey Fierstein.

I stand on the hill and take pictures, with no need to shout my story. No need to center myself as a main event-- just joining. Being this girl. "Here, have a pin. Wanna pose for a picture? Make a strong woman face!" At the end I sign the pledge, my name the same size as the others. We are pledging against silence. 
On someone's back:
"In the quiet heart is hidden, sorrow that they eye can't see."
That's my line! A million journal pages of this quote flash in my head and I realize: 
I am not the only one who separated it from the song. 
These words stand out, and there is no need to justify my conviction.
I turn from the pledge and duck out of Brooke's way, a camera suddenly between us.

"No," she says.
"Stand up. 
I want to take a picture of you."
I stop. Smile.
"Do you want to guest post on our blog?" she asks.

Yes. I say.
Really? I ask.
"Yes. Definitely. I love you."
Her sincerity matches mine and I am both comforted and taken aback by this. Maybe that's why this morning is big, because my sincerity is being matched in a clear and bright way, which feels different than the shadow of hesitance that usually meets this subject.
YES. Yes I want to write for this. I have so much to say.
And then there I am, walking home with resolve.

"Your voice matters." I remind myself.
Not because I get to post, because it does.
It matters even in the absence of blogs and journals. 
For the first time in weeks, I feel indisputably VALID.
That my perception will lead me, instead of confuse me.
I'm not nuts. It's going to be okay.

Lyndsi Shae


PleaseRememberMeFondly said...

Yes!! I want a link to this blog they're talking about STAT. I love you. I love your strength. Beast.

David's Holla Atchya! Blog said...

I have never separated that quote from the hymn, and I love it. Thanks for giving me renewed perspective, again.

brooke said...

I want to say a million things to you.
First of all, that I was so glad you were there for so many reasons, and I am so glad that you are you, and you amaze me with your strength. Your name has appeared in my journal several times for this reason, for this admiration.

I am very excited for you to guest post on our blog.
would you like a deadline to make it legit or would you like to just submit it to me when it's done? SMILEY FACE!

And lastly, I love you with the inexplicable instantaneous love that I have had from the moment we met. You are one wonderful woman, Lyndsi Shae Brown.