Monday, September 28, 2009

Bounce.


*Definitely brought up Beyonce in our relief society presidency meeting a few days ago.
"The woman empowers me lately. It's all I need in my speakers."
"I mean, at least she thinks marriage is important," Bethany says.
"She ain't sayin If you like it then you shoulda cohabitated."
And there we are around the table, snappin and bustin a move.
Yes please.
Can we get that in the handbook?

My life is insane.
There is so much in it.
People Schedules Appointments Assignments.
My next word was going to be: Obligations.
And here's the beautiful part-- I can't write that word.
It applies to no person, no meeting, no assignment which I am trying to accommodate.

That's right, I want to work it out with you.

I want to deliberate for hours over fifty-some girls.

I want to write letters to sad friends and mission friends and the mass number of people who simultaneously have something to say to me.

I'm not sure where you all came from, but I'm trying to answer.

I WANT TO DO MY HOMEWORK.

I want to call you back!

I want to answer 
all these big big assertions 
that people are presenting to me.

When I do not, it is sometimes because I am scared.
Sometimes because I am at a loss for words.
But most often because I am letting my free-spirit translate to: disorganized-life.
My hippie everythings-gonna-be-alright attitude 
will not bring answers.
It will leave people neglected, 
letters unanswered, 
and potential unfilled.

Dear Self, 
Stop running through fields and poems and start looking at a calendar!
My soul says "Nightmare!"
And then, "Okay, fine, you're right."

But I can still be me.
Still the girl that quotes Beyonce in our meeting and challenges the new girls at get-to-know-your-presidency-pancake-sunday. "I ate all seven on my plate! Whatchu got?!"

I want to tell you that it's not all about this calling thing. 
And it's not, there are so many things I want to do (for you/with you/about you.) For the ones who are not part of my list of girls. But it has taken over my mind and perspective, so it is about balancing you with that. It is about this motivation-- this new kick in the pants to be better. Because-- and here's a shocker-- my progression is not all about me. Did it used to feel like that? Other people are depending on me to step it up. Thank goodness. Keep kickin. 



9 comments:

David's Holla Atchya! Blog said...

I love you for bringing up Beyonce in Relief Society Presidency. Did you know I named my car after Beyonce? After all, she's sexy, black, and has curves, like my car. Are you the Relief Society President?
I came uber close to calling you this weekend to hang out. I was hanging out with Ty and Steph and I asked Steph if she had seen you recently. She hadn't, and then I realized I haven't either! I want to see you Lyndsi Shae! Soon, it will happen.
Love, teeth flossing Boston David

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