THE TIME: 2:31 AM
THE MUSIC: Stand Beside Me; Jo Dee Messina
THE MOMENT: Ceiling fan chilly bumps. The pages blowing around on the table.
Tonight I'm sitting on the floor in Siovhan's living room. She'll read this later. (Honey you fell asleep again so don't flip if you can't remember this part of your life.) We watched a movie, a sappy girl lovin movie. Which I love shamelessly. Which I will now quote, shamelessly. K thanks.
"I think I would miss you even if we'd ever met."
Outside there are crunchy leaves, living out their last nights. Was it worth it to them? To detach from their core, fall to the ground, and drain slowly of their sudden colors... Can the tree see them fading? Or maybe their most living stems are still up there, waiting to grow new expansions, until its time to burst red, float away, and start new. And so the leaves they release are really just shells, the exterior that could no longer hold what grew within them; they were ready to let go.
Maybe they actually think its worth it.
I sit here in my slouchy pajama pants pulled up to my knees, with too much hairspray in my leftover indian braid from halloween dancin... surrounded by glittery watercolor paints. I live down the hall. I consume grits and ice cream on a daily basis.
Sometimes I feel like I can't write as well as past years because these days-- I am happy always. (Guess what: I actually think its worth it.I was ready to let go too.)
I have two anklets on my right leg and tangerine joy nail polish on my toes. My forearms smell like aloe because I still use my after-sunshine beach lotion. My lips feel odd. I have to pee kinda. This is my life.
I found out that this weekend was BYU Preference and something within me said "You went there once. Remember who you were then?" My reflex-typer wants to tell you that this realization was a reminder of how much has been found in the last year. The truth is though, that I never forgot. I am thankful every day for the verbs in my life, the movement, the progression within me.
Though I am ready for more, and so I also shake with a restlessness, an anticipation.
vernalization (vûr'nə-lĭ-zā'shən) The subjection of seeds or seedlings to low temperature in order to hasten plant development and flowering. Vernalization is commonly used for crop plants such as winter rye and is possible because the seeds and buds of many plants require cold in order to break dormancy.