Monday, January 18, 2010

Oh world!

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I just want to love!
I just want to say that and not hear all the mocking inside me.
All the voices that say:
"Oh Lyndsi Shae, that's cute. You want to love, huh? You and your naive little double-name want to 'show the world who you are'... quaint, really."
"No one wants to listen to your hippie be-my-friend crap anymore. You are weird."
"They don't need your love. In fact, you need to love much more than any of them need to receive it. You will never be satisfied. You will be alone."


I'ma love everyone ANYWAYS.
That's why I'm here.
God wants me to stretch out my heart.
So there.

I don't know what I'm doing with my life.
Because everyone names their major and their boyfriend and their hometown.
As if that means they know what they're doing.
I can do that too.
English. Ben. Mooresville, North Carolina.

I can even elaborate!
[shpeal about how I have to be a writer for my soul.]
[story of how we were friends for a long time 
and then complication 
and now, sometimes, even more complication]
Mooresville, North Carolina.
[list of good southern food 
and memories of lake jumpin and grass rollin and sometimes
i will even tell you
about the hard parts.]
I can go on about my categories, but I still don't know what I'm doing.

No one really knows what they're doing.

Here's the good news:
I have new categories too. Categories that feel unique to me, 
like they are happening specifically to my life. On purpose.

*I love Native American literature, and I even know things about it. I read the books. I feel their spirit.
*I'm learning sign language. That's right, I'm speakin to you with my hands right now from this computer, and you don't even know what I'm sayin. Because it's symbolic, it's physical. I can't quite write it for you. And some days, I'd rather show you my heart with my hands than use my voice or write it on paper. I would rather sign, signify, embody my words.

*I sing gospel. I don't know anything about this music, or really about music at all, but I'm doing it and it MAKES ME JOYFUL. This is no exaggeration, I'm talkin about feeling a straight-up zeal for life.
*I have a calling in my church that asks me to love even bigger and with more endurance than I have ever loved before, and it is changing my life. 
*I wake up early. I can be bold and smart about my time. I will not fall into sinking patterns of apathy or mediocrity. I will find the higher ground of my potential. Take that.

These are not fleeting whims of my 20's. Some of them will stop, and that's ok. But the point is, they are REAL. I am finding out who I am through these avenues, and I want to keep them always. They are that much a part of me already.


David's Holla Atchya! Blog said...

When did you rename your blog?
You had some interesting comments about sign language.
Are you in a Hebrew choir?

Aimee said...

hmm, i feel a LITTLE sad i didn't know about this boy, but i guess i don't know much about your life :/

and also, you're in ASL? how wonderful! what level. i took 101,102,201 and 301. i'd love to sign with you, cause i'm sure i've forgotten EVERYTHING

Joran said...

1.) Native American literature is great. I have two books myself, but I haven't taken the time to read all the way through, or I would have bought more by now. I'm glad to know that I'm not the only one.

2.) Gospel is an amazing singing style. Sometimes I get bored at church with our music; and even more with the deadpan repetition of the words without even thinking what they say. And I like Gospel because it is related to blues and folk music, both of which I love.

brooke said...

Yeah that's right you sing gospel! And you sing it WELL!
This kid above me needs to join the choir.

I'm so glad you are bein bold and doing the things you want to just because you want to, and that's all you have to know, that you want to. Period.

Anonymous said...

Keep on posting such stories. I like to read articles like that. BTW add more pics :)