Thursday, November 15, 2007

.The calm and the Urgency.

THE DAY: a while ago
THE TIME: afternoon
THE MUSIC: Blue and Green; Julie Moffitt
THE MOMENT: Study breaks in a new corner.

I wrote something the other day.
You know how that goes.
So I figured this time I'd post it up... and then write a little scrambled explanation about everything I was trying to say.

* * *
The rain falls down, like our April on Amelia Island. Me and You. I left my ink and paper on the sand and we ran into the falling water, the crashing foam, the storm, the ocean, the honesty you allowed in your eyes…the force of you within me. Our secret set free for a time, and though she quietly ate dinner in the house above, she never knew.

The rain falls down, like the July off the coast of Carolina. Me without you. I opened my ink and paper to the falling water, letting it run down the words that confirmed my needed escape, my opened heart. I was wrapped up in my release, with no way to truly express to the world how liberated I had become. My new secret sang from within me… she knew everything.

Today I rinse my memories in live salt water. Evaporation leaves them covered in grains of freedom, a complacent glaze between the past and myself. No longer your pretty girl in the dark, I am laying down my weapons…collapsing the impatience of my limbs, spreading my novels across the sand--- As the pages blow open behind me, I walk along the water with anticipation, communing with the coming tide.

* * *

*April on amelia island- me and zach swam in the ocean in the rain. I left my journal to get soaked on the sand. He was really that way.
*July- me and katie, when we let the rain blur over the ink in our journals. The page I let the rain splash on was that CS Lewis quote about how if you never love, you'll lock up your heart to be unfeeling and dormant. (“To love at all is to be vulnerable. Love anything, and your heart will certainly be wrung and possibly broken. If you want to make sure of keeping it intact, you must give your heart to no one, not even to an animal. Wrap it carefully round with hobbies and little luxuries; avoid all entanglements; lock it up safe in the casket or coffin of your selfishness. But in that casket- safe, dark, motionless, airless--it will change. It will not be broken; it will become unbreakable, impenetrable, irredeemable.”
--C.S. Lewis)

*The rinse my memories thing... they're clean and content, but with a slight taint (salt), like that feeling that makes me feel as though he's an old movie, or the feeling that makes me know its absolutely past, like he's not on earth anymore. If the water were to evaporate, it would leave the salt behind... which is what I mean when I say covered in grains of freedom- a complacent glaze between the past and myself. There is a small wall there, but not one that keeps me from going back. Just a content divide. The important distinction is that I could go back if I wanted, I am stronger than salt... but I don't.

*Commune- I know you know what this means, but read how great the true definition is.
1. to converse or talk together, usually with profound intensity, intimacy etc.
2. to be in intimate communication
3. interchange of ideas or sentiments

*There's also supposed to be an evident contrast between "your pretty girl in the dark" and the light associated with walking on the sand.
*Another evident contrast between my journal in the first rain-- closed and left behind. The journal in the second rain-- open and held by me. The many journals in the third rain-- blowing open by the force of nature, behind me but still acknowledged, still free in their numbers and open gates.

*The coming tide is the change I can feel, the one that hasn't happened yet. A natural force that will inevitably reach my life and mold it in some way.

No comments: