Monday, November 5, 2007

Prone to Wander

THE DAY: November 5th 2007
THE MUSIC: Come Thou Fount Of Every Blessing; Sufjan Stevens cover
THE MOMENT: Flopped out writing with my Siovan

Lately, I sit down to write… and find that I have nothing new to say… Nothing that wouldn’t harbor the same underlying themes of my other words. This, is driving me crazy.

I know who I am. I know what I want. I have exhausted myself writing about those things.

My first thought was that I would love to go to another country, let it mold my perspective… let new images burn words out of me.

My little brother Corey and I used to stand in the ocean and karate-chop the waves that broke at our knees. Eventually, we’d swim out to the big ones. Ten years ago, North Carolina waves were huge to us. We always called the risky ones whoppers. The kind that sucked you beneath the surface, spun you down through the bubbles ‘til you didn’t know where the sky was… and then chucked you on the sand with no idea where it all had come from or how to get the water our of your nose.

(I find myself restless… for a whopper-wave kinda change.)
Though I would rarely expect this of myself, I am hoping for one.

I am the happiest I have ever been. I don’t want to let that fact fade into stale neglected thought. I know that because of this freedom, there is so much new space in me-- for new people, new life and new challenges.

I am ready for something new. I am thankful for this chance I have to focus on things I choose to focus on.

I know I don’t have to go to another country.
I’ve really been thinking about charity, and how I want to feel that love within me, to gain a greater understanding of what that’s like. I could do that. I recognize that I could have done that before… but its just easier now. Everything is easier, because I no longer am exerting so much energy into getting through my own trials. I have a new buzzing within me. I can do so much! There are so many opportunities for me to serve and learn that I am totally ignorant about. I want to seek those out and let them absorb me… rather than fall into some type of pride-cycle where I forget to be thankful for who I am and what I am working towards.

One pivotal day this summer I was in a shop with my loves Katie and Kaley.
Someone painted one of the blank clocks with the words:

“She knows the time is now.”

I am ready.
I am willing.
I will search for ways to discover.

"And now as ye have been delivered by the power of God out of these bonds[…] even so I desire that ye should stand fast in this liberty wherewith ye have been made free…"

Mosiah 23:13

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