Sometimes...

Today my friend’s computer was having issues.
“This program is not responding,” it said.
“Would you like to…
END TASK
or
WAIT FOR RESPONSE
?”
And I thought… “Welcome to the question of my whole life.”

I am scared about the immensity of what I am seeking.
The immensity of (the freedom, the divine understanding, the patience and the human connection) that I am seeking.

I need so much to feel, to feel everything. I need more than facebook and itunes. I need more than homework and cosmetic conversation. It is scary to need more than what regularly fills up a college-kid day.

“You ask things on day one that most people ask on day thirty. You skip so much of the beginning. You try to find this deep down BAM connection with everyone,” Sabrina says to me.

It’s true. Do I have to change that?
I need that. I seek that. I am that.
Am I even capable of changing that?

I choose to wait for response,
rather than end my inherent nature.

She says I don’t have to change it, but that it makes her scared for me—because that kind of intensity means dangerous vulnerability.
It means my core isn’t safe because I’m always showing it to people.
I can’t close myself up though—that would mean becoming colder, more hardened.
Even if I only closed-up a little, only to the same level of coldness that most people maintain… it would mean a step towards hardening, and I can’t walk in that direction.
To be safe would be counterintuitive,
because emotional immunity is the opposite of what I am seeking.
I am unlocked. It helps me feel alive.

"I want to work in revelations, not just spin silly tales for money. I want to fish as deep down as possible into my own subconscious in the belief that once that far down, everyone will understand because they are the same that far down."
--Jack Kerouac