Some days, in my calm and happy life here, I am disappointed. I am bored. Having recognized this, I now fear that I long for opposition. Because all areas of my life that I am most proud of, all of my defining moments, include some kind of force against me. That is how I have discovered myself, by rising above. I find solace in fighting back. How can I be revolutionary if there is nothing to revolt against? No secret father. No boy that failed me. No serious lack of money. No empty pantry. No loneliness. I look at this kind of life and wonder, “What do I do now?” I was so accustomed to the fast pace, the consistent dull-ache of battle. And now, where am I? My peace feels less real, less potent, less deserved if I am not convinced that I fought for it and won it myself.
* * * * * * *
Maybe today, my opposition is less obvious, less tyrannical. Today, the villain is mediocrity. Sneaky, he threatens to creep into all aspects of me. I find him splattered onto my schooling, my spirituality, my spending, my humility… I am not invincible.
Look at me:
He infiltrates my resolve and I can only say “I am bored.”
It is on these thoughtless days that I lose the fight.
* * * * * * *
I am not ungrateful for the easiness of the way, only confused.
When did I wake up from the war? Or am I dreaming now?
Sometimes the question comes back:
How do I let this feel normal without dismissing the fact of who I was before?